Motivated.

Today, I woke up and I was happy. Like genuinely happy. It’s amazing what proper sleep does for the human spirit. I got up, went grocery shopping, took out the recycle, did the dishes, looked at a used car and then came home to take a walk.

My walk was lovely. I just strolled (and panted) around the neighbourhood all bundled up listening to twenty one pilot’s album, Blurryface. My walk gave me time to think and to ground myself. Being outdoors always seems to have that kind of magical influence.

I want things for myself: I want to be successful, I want to be involved, and I want to be loved. As I walked, I thought about what each of these meant to me. I found it important to remind myself that my idea of success and love might not be what ‘society’ labels it as. That I need to stop comparing where I’m at in my life, with here I think I should be. For me, comparison is the death of motivation.

I need to give myself credit for the many, many mountains I’ve climbed this year. I’m proud of myself for the physical and emotional things I’ve been able to cope with.

Here’s to a happier and more loving 2016.

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My father now has a headstone. The thought of it makes my heart break and I can feel it in my chest, how it’s completely shattered.

It’s real. He’s gone. Forever buried beneath his headstone. His name, my father’s name, is carved in to it. Accompanied by the days he entered and left this world.

When did this happen? When did this all become so fucking real? When did I become father-less? This year just seems like a nightmare. Someone, please pinch me. Let this be a bad dream. Oh god, please let this be a bad dream.

I want to wake up.

 

‘Safety On Board’

So I flew back to Edmonton today and as the plane was taxi-ing, I’m pretty sure I was having a flashback. Either that or I was triggered. I’m not really sure, but I was thinking about when I flew from Ontario to Edmonton to say goodbye to my Dad. That day, my brother had called me, followed by my Mom, and then within 2 hours, I was sitting on a plane headed for Edmonton to say goodbye to my father for the last time.

As I was sitting there today in my seat, all I could think about was that trip, how I was constantly crying and absolutely devastated.

When I went to board my plane that day, dreading the ride not only for the destination, but also because my body is not airplane friendly–  the seat was the last thing I wanted to battle against that day. However, to my luck, I was seated next to a child (a win for bigger people cause kids generally don’t mind you putting up the arm rest between the seats). Not only was my body more comfortable, but my mind was too.

The child was very interactive and let me colour with her, watch some cartoons, and she told me stories about her travels to her grandparents’ farm. Then we eventually fell asleep, with her legs across my laps – now that I think back to it, it all seems pretty cavalier of her mother to allow this, but during that flight it was completely genuine and caring.

Then, at the end of the flight the child’s mother looked at me, wide-eyed with a kind and tired face, as if to say ‘thank you’. When it was I who should have been saying thank you.

Little did she know, but her daughter saved me from a complete breakdown as the thoughts “my father is going die and there’s nothing I can do about it” rolled around my head for 4.5 hours. I was able to breathe and focus on something other than removing my dad from life support and holding his hand while he drifted away.

It was so overwhelming on the plane today that I had to do some serious deep-breathing to stop myself from crying. It was nice to remember how present I felt during that flight and how sometimes the most amazing moments come from the tiniest of packages.

Family.

I flew ‘home’ yesterday to visit my Mom and my brother’s family for a few days. It feels so good to be surrounded by family and by people who love you.

Today, I got to meet my newest niece, who was born in July. It was one of those magical moments when you’re holding a baby and you think about all of the love you have for this person. You think about how lucky you are to have the absolute honour of watching them grow into adulthood. I was so overwhelmed by these thoughts that I almost cried.

The word family has always been something I’ve struggled to define. My own family growing up was my Mom, my Dad and my two older brothers. However my parents split when I was younger (around 3) and that made it difficult to have the kind of family I think I needed as a child. We are a loving family, but fairly disconnected from one another- it sort of felt like we were just individuals that lived around each other and not actually family. And then when I was 17, my younger little brother came along. Needless to say, my family is complex and diverse yet, beautiful.

I’ve always been searching for an ‘ideal’ family. Where both parents are still madly in love, they have at least three kids and a dog, and they’re always tired but they make it work. While I’m sure this type of family exists, this will never be my family. And that’s okay. More than okay actually. Because as I held that beautiful baby girl today, I realized that these people- the ones around me, asking me about school and work and life- these are the people I want as family. And I’m so lucky that they want me back.

Saturdays.

Good morning, hi, hello, how are ya? First of all, who let me use ‘intoxicating’ in two consecutive blog posts?. I’m looking at you, random citizen. It’s okay, I forgive you 😉

Anyways, this week has been pretty good so far. It was full of lots of healthy work-life-school balancing if you would believe it. I always feel like a real adult when I’m able to balance all of the things in my life (2 jobs, full time course load, family time, and the gym). I’m not sure how long it will last, but I’m going to appreciate every second of it while it does. I’ve been tired all week, but it’s a good tired. One that makes you grateful for the reasons behind your fatigue.

Weekly Updates: I’ve lost 7lbs since I started meal-planning and working out semi-semi-regularly. And I haven’t heard anything from George. Sad panda.

Have a great Saturday, my friends. Take time for yourself, don’t worry about your to-do list and hug someone you love.

Le Sigh

I’m in deep, man. I’ve been seriously pining (I sincerely hope that’s the right spelling) over a boy lately. He’s not even in the same province as me, but Cupid got me good this time.

We’ve been friends for a few years and since I’ve known him, he’s had a partner. But when he chatted with me last time, he mentioned that she had broken up with him. As soon as he told me, it was like a lightbulb of mixed emotions went off. Suddenly he’s not George-my-good-friend.

No, no.

Now he’s let-me-put-my-body-on-your-body-George. And it’s terrible. I’m not sure if this is just a crush or if it’s actually based on feelings. All I know is that it feels like I’m in high school again when you like-like someone. Honestly though, this kind of crush is pretty damn intoxicating.

UGH.JUST.GET.ON.A.PLANE.AND.MAKE.OUT.WITH.ME.

Ducks In A Row.

Hello November.
I love the beginning days of each month it’s a chance to get things together, to do better, to be better. And on this day, November 1, I’m motivated. I want to get my life together. I want to be top of my class and I want to be on the ball at work and I want to be good to myself. I want to open an Etsy shop and earn money doing something that makes me really happy. I want all of these things for myself and my future and for once I’m hungry enough to go get them. And it’s an amazing feeling! If I could bottle this kind of high- I’d make millions.

So in an effort to follow through on my words, I made meals for the next three days so that I stop buying fast food (a reallllyyyyyyyyyyy big problem for me), I finished researching my topic for my essay that’s due on the 10th, and I’m planning my day tomorrow so that I can go to the gym!! It just feels really good to be doing all of this, like that bottom of your soul goodness feeling- like you know this is how you’re suppose to be taking care of yourself. It’s intoxicating.

I hope November is good to you.