When You’re Fat

No one loves you. In my experience of being morbidly obese for practically my whole life- all 24 years, I’ve come to the conclusion that other than those who are obligated to love you, nobody truly does. Friends have come and gone, partners have come and gone. People don’t sit next to you in class or on the bus or at a meeting. Every inch of my being is invalidated because I’m fat. And then you know what happens? You eat because you’re so fucking lonely. It’s the definition of a vicious cycle. Society is so fucked up that my worth as a person with a beating heart, a pair of lungs, and a beautiful brain has been diminished to my waist size.

I’m automatically stupid, incapable, ‘really cute for a bigger person’ and unable to keep up with thinner populations. I’ve had to be twice as smart and twice as capable to achieve anything. I have to cloak my body so my rolls and arm fat don’t show. To keep the illusion up that I’m not actually fat, I’m just ‘big’. Every single one of my actions is calculated so that I don’t appear to be as fat as I am because otherwise, people don’t take me seriously.

AND I’M FUCKING SICK OF IT. I wish I could say that I don’t care, that I love myself more than I hate this struggle. And I do love myself. I love myself a lot. But this struggle has beaten me down. It has stripped away my soul. It’s torn apart every inch of my being. And it’s still not enough. You know what the joke of it all is? That even my struggle is invalidated because it’s healthier to be skinny so why wouldn’t I want to lose weight?

I don’t even own my fight.

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Making It Happen.

You know that sentiment that goes something like ‘You can’t wait around for things to happen, you have to make them happen’? Welp, here’s my first, blog-tastic attempt.

Things I want:
1.) To be healthier.
2.) To feel fulfilled.
3.) To fall in love.
4.) To have a family.
5.) To help those around me.

How I’m going to achieve this:
1.) GO TO THE GYM MORE OFTEN! Sarah, you pay for it already love, just go.
2.) Be proactive about the opportunities around you.
3.) Try new things, meet new people.
4.) Surround myself with those who qualify as family.
5.) Reach out. Show up. Keep my word. Care.

I’m hoping I can start to make small changes. I need small changes. I feel like I’m at a precipice right now- one misstep in the wrong direction and I could be lost forever.

What doesn’t kill you…

Makes you incredibly tired and numb. That’s how I feel after this week. Incredibly tired and numb. Usually when I’m like this, I shut down and I tune out. However, this week was different. I pushed through. I continued on. I struggled. I even went to the fucking gym.

I’m proud of myself after this week. I didn’t shirk any of my responsibilities, I finished my assignments and I managed to shower semi-regularly. It’s mildly impressive, really. I’m hoping to get some rest this weekend, to indulge in some self-care and to continue on trudging through. If I can do that, I can do anything.

You can do anything, too.

7.

Sometimes I feel so horribly selfish when I think of my little brother. Here he is, this arrangement of happiness, love, and pure wonder all bundled into the most adorable package and I’m mad at him for not putting on his shoes fast enough. Not mad, but annoyed, and I know that he knows it. He says ‘sorry’ and a wave of guilt washes over me. I feel like a complete idiot- and I should. He’s just seven, and he’s learning how to tie his shoes and I can’t be patient enough for him to tie his shoes. And then I think to myself, ‘Why are you like this?! Why can’t you let him be?” And I feel even more guilty.

I want to be good to him. He’s seven and is the most amazing and impactful person in my life. I want him to know that every time we have a conversation, how much I love him. I need to remind myself of this love each time I get frustrated or impatient. I guess I’m still learning how to be an older sister.

October.

This morning, there was a healthy frost on all things the cold could extend its reach to. It was the kind of cold that went deep into your lungs and filled them with promise. Coldness has a way of doing that. Bring about new life amongst trees that are purging their leaves, grass that is losing it’s colour, and birds that are leaving for warmer destinations.

I always feel a little sorry for people who don’t get to experience fall and winter. They’ll never know what F. Scott Fitzgerald meant when he said “Life starts all over again when it gets crisp in the fall.”