Since my last post, I’ve had really great energy and motivation. Then my school called to say that there’s a good chance I’ll be withdrawn because my funding hasn’t come in yet. After I hung up, it felt like all the goodness was drained right out of me. I felt defeated. Tired. Crushed. And so, so, so angry. These past six months, it feels like I’m being punished for something. All of these things that have happened feels like some cosmic justice for whatever I’ve done. And this phone call was further proof of that.
So I let myself wallow. I took the day off from classes (because really, what’s the point) and I binged. I bought $30 worth of pure junk. And I didn’t really want to do it, I didn’t really want to eat the carbohydrate-laden food I bought, but it felt like I was saying ‘Fuck You’ to everything in my life. Like I was saying ‘this is what you wanted, right? For me to eat these things”. Which isn’t a very good fuck you, but that’s what it felt like.
And it wasn’t pretty. I had three packages of Bagel Bites (literally, the worst), half a bag of chips, and an entire pouch of mini-m&m’s. And honestly, I was surprised to find them in a large pouch form, instead of those tubes, but I digress. You know what, I didn’t feel better. I didn’t get that high of numbness that I was looking for last time. And that made me happy. It made me realize that maybe I do have coping mechanisms and maybe binge eating isn’t one of them. So, I acknowledged that I didn’t want to eat any more of that stuff, I went into the garage to organize and put away summer things. I sat outside and listened to the birds sing. I felt the sunshine on my face and the breeze against my skin. For a moment, it felt like everything was okay.
I remembered that I’m a fighter and there’s a reason that term is a tired cliche- because it’s true. People are either fight or flight, and I’m fight. When life gets tough, I might back away for a moment to lick my wounds, but then I’m back in it -digging my heals into the earth, with my back strong, and my face tough to fight whatever’s next. And as I was sitting outside realizing all of this, a big, mile-wide smile creeped across my face. It’s funny how you can experience such intensely opposite emotions in one day. Aren’t human beings just marvelous like that?
I let this blog post roll around for a while before I wrote it. Because I wanted to savour the moment of me picking myself up by my bootstraps for the umpteenth time, rearranging my strategies and then getting right back to fighting.