Recently, I’ve experienced a lot of life changes. My Dad died. I moved from Ontario to Alberta. I moved in with my Step-Mom and younger brother. I started a new job. I started school again. My grandmother died. All within six months. I don’t say that for dramatic effect, but rather to place a time-frame on all of this.
Needless to say, I’ve been through a lot of shit lately. I don’t have the best coping strategies, if I have any at all. Today, I find myself struggling with day-to-day minutiae. I made myself a to-do list to try to spark my motivation. Do homework, wash dishes, do laundry, shower, tidy room. Nothing extremely taxing yet I haven’t been able to check anything off my list. Instead I’ve been making half-assed Pinterest crafts, watching Talihina Sky, Foo Fighters: Back and Forth, Seabiscuit, and now Avatar.
And while I’m trying to keep my mind and hands busy, all I want to do is binge eat and then drink until I’m riding that biochemical high followed by the alcoholic care-free mind numbing state. So, I’m trying to keep myself distracted, but it’s not easy. I just want to indulge, to give-in and to not feel anything. But that’s not coping. That’s not healthy. That’s not what people say you should be doing when dealing with death and grief. But I don’t give a fuck. I want to eat and drink and just go numb. I don’t want this reality for a while.